Claddagh
by Phoenix Moon 13
Summary: The hands symbolise friendship, the crown loyalty, the heart… Well, y'know. Only things are never quite that simple, are they?


**_Claddagh_**

Author's Note: This is set in three separate time periods. _Heart _is during season 2, when Angel is Angelus. _Hands_ is after season 3, after Angel leaves, but deals with events throughout the season. _Crown_ is just before season 4 after Angel has left. Hope that made things a little clearer.

* * *

_Heart_

She isn't entirely sure that she has ever felt like this before in her life. She's pretty sure she hasn't, but her mind isn't all that clear. Her English teacher kept her back after class the other day and asked her if she had any problems at home. And she had thought that she was covering pretty well.

She had just said she was a bit stressed. It wasn't like she could tell her the truth. She couldn't tell her that the man she loved is actually a vampire and as the vampire Slayer, he should be her sworn enemy. But he's not. Well, he wasn't until a few weeks ago. Now, he's trying to kill her and her friends. Well, actually, he's toying with her at the moment and she hates him for it.

But the really terrifying thing is… She still loves him.

Sometimes, when she sees him, she forgets that it's not Angel. She forgets and she's about to smile and rush into his arms when he smirks and she remembers. He's sought her out because he likes tormenting her, not because he cares. And she hates him for that too.

She sinks back against the bed and twirls her ring between her fingers.

Friendship. Love. Loyalty.

She can't describe how it makes her feel. There's an edge of irritated anger, because she doesn't have anything. Not loyalty, love or even friendship. She has nothing left of him except this stupid bit of metal. She's overwhelmed by the desire to crush it beneath her boot until it's unrecognisable as the most treasured present of her life.

But she doesn't, because what else does she have? It's the only real thing, the only tangible evidence of the fact that he _did_ love her. He might not now, but he did once. This is all she has left so that in the middle of the night, when she wakes up crying, she can stagger to her drawer and pull it out, just to convince herself that it _was _a beautiful dream before it was ever a nightmare.

Sometimes it makes her feel better and sometimes it makes her feel worse.

But usually, she smiles when she remembers his words when he slid it onto her finger. She smiles at what it means and the memory of that night. But then, of course, she remembers the consequences of that night. And it makes her want to cry.

More than anything, she wishes she could just break down. That's not too much to ask, is it? Her life is falling apart, is it so awful that she should want to curl into a little ball and cry for a while?

It feels like she's not allowed to. She knows that this is her fault, she _knows_ that. But that doesn't mean it hurts less, in fact, it hurts more because this is all her fault. She did this to him and she can't _save_ him.

If it was the other way round, he wouldn't let himself give up, he'd do whatever he could to get her back. She wishes she could do that. But she can't. She's not _strong_ enough. All she can do is paste on that happy go lucky face for her mom, pretend to Giles that she's dealing, reassure him and the others that she will kill Angelus. That's what hurts the most. Saying that she'll have to kill him, knowing that she won't be able to do it. But she says it anyway, because she owes it to Giles for Jenny. She owes it to her friends, because they're being targeted too, because of _her._

She doesn't have the answers. She never did have any answers. She can't ask Giles, that would be too much to ask of him. He's there for her, understanding that this is hurting her. But she can't ask him to help her find a way to save Angel. Mainly because of what happened to Jenny, but she knows that she's the only one that thinks of him as Angel anymore.

No else does.

They might call him Angel more often than they call him Angelus, but they only see a blood-sucking, bastard of an evil murderer.

And she hates herself for only seeing the brown eyes, ignoring the evil glint and pretending they shine with love.

She hates herself for the buzz of electricity she feels whenever his fist slams into her body.

She hates herself for longing for him.

She knows he's a monster, God, she knows that as well as anyone. Probably better. But she loves him. Not _him_, not Angelus. She loves Angel. And whenever she looks at Angelus, she wonders if there's even a tiny bit of her lover in there. She can't help thinking of Angel every time she looks at Angelus.

And they're wrong, her friends, Giles. They're wrong when think this is hurting her.

It's not.

It's killing her.

* * *

_Hands_

When Angel returned she thought for a wild bright moment that this was her happy ending. The world could end, her lover could die - but everything would work out all right for Buffy Summers.

It had taken so long to be able to deal with Angel being gone, harder to accept than when he changed because at least he was still there, in some way.

When Scott Hope presented her with that box and she opened it, it was like fire ripping through her chest and tearing through all those only just healing wounds. She didn't realise she had dropped the box. She felt like a fool. A complete and utter fool. It was only a ring. Just a stupid ring and stupidly sweet sentiment.

But it hadn't been stupid before. The first time the ring had been given to her, it meant everything. It was wonderful and God it had made her happy. But she couldn't even smile at Scott Hope's sweetness. Because it was all too clear. Everything was still so fresh. Three months of hiding and the one thing she couldn't hide from was the memory. All it took was nice guy doing a nice thing and her heart broke all over again.

The hate in his eyes when he didn't love her. The jolt of relief when he fell to his knees and looked up at her as Angel. The raging unfairness of everything when the portal opened and she had to sacrifice not only his life, but hers too, to save the world.

And it didn't wear off quickly either. The feeling lingered. And she had only just started to live again. She had just started to wake up in the morning and not wish she could just sleep and wake up to find it was all a dream. She had just started to think about dating again.

And then Angel was back, uneasily erasing all that had gone before between then. She would never forget the awkwardness between them. That evening at the cinema. That final, cruel twist in the sewer when he said it was over. That despite everything, despite death itself, he was the one choosing to leave her. That she had lost her dearest friend, her cherished ally.

It was to be a year in pieces.

For the entire summer after Graduation she had seen it on her friends faces. She hadn't run away this time, she knew they thought this must be a good start. She could even imagine the conversations Giles, Xander, Willow and Oz must have had. She could read the looks on their faces.

_She's coping well._

She noted the glances Willow, Xander and Oz exchanged when she checked out a guy at the Bronze.

She was coping well. She was coping well with pretending to cope. She hadn't told Willow when horrible hit. She knew that horrible was coming, that's what she told Willow after all.

_"I think horrible is still coming. Right now, it's worse. Right now, I'm just trying to keep from dying."_

And it hit her all of a sudden. She was brushing her teeth about a month after he left. She'd had a good day. She had been to the cinema with Xander, Willow and Oz, then enjoyed an easy Slaying night. She treated herself to a long hot shower and was leaning over the basin brushing her teeth when horrible hit for no reason whatsoever.

She wiped her mouth and looked up into the mirror. And suddenly her knees shook and gave way and with a gasping sob, she crumbled to the floor and wailed. Her Mom wasn't home thankfully and she still didn't know how long she sat there crying. All she knew was that she pulled herself to her feet when she heard her Mom come into the house, splashed some water on her face and smiled at her mom, kissing her goodnight, said she was fine and went to bed.

She lay for an hour trying to understand what had just happened and she had no idea.

But suddenly she had realised it was over. He wasn't coming back after the summer, he wouldn't show up on patrol. She'd never kiss him again, or touch him. She hadn't expected that to hit her so hard. She had thought she was coping.

Turns out she was wrong.

And tomorrow, she was starting college. New start, new life. Only she couldn't let go of the old one. She and Willow had discussed college and guys were a hot topic. Which was fine, she could talk about it like any other normal girl.

But she wasn't normal. She was in love with someone who had walked away. Who she had watched walk away and she asked herself a million times why she didn't run after him, tell him that strong is fighting and ask him _why_ couldn't he fight for them. She wasn't a normal girl, she never was.

That was why he was perfect for her.

* * *

_Crown_

"Buffy, you ok?" Willow nibbled her lip as she looked at Buffy.

And Buffy glanced down at her bare finger, smiled and nodded. It did hurt. But she was strong. She could deal. _Angel_ left_ her_. Left her so she could have a normal life. She was going to stop picking the logic of that idea to pieces.

Tomorrow, she was going to move on. She didn't want the rest of her life to be like the last three months. She didn't want to scream and cry silently and hide away from her friends. She wanted to be happy again.

But not tonight.

Tonight, she was still a schoolgirl. The schoolgirl Slayer in love with her souled vampire.

Tomorrow, she would be Buffy Ann Summers, college student, living away from home. Tough, totally dateable and ready to let go of those childish hopes of everlasting love and happily ever after. Tomorrow, she would pick up that ring, the source of so many memories, good and bad and bury in the back of her jewellery box.

Tomorrow, she would let him go.

But not tonight.

* * *

**_The End._**


End file.
